No, yes, yes, no, no, yes...

Argh! I cannot seem to reach a place of peace about this SPD thing. The more I watch The Bear, the more he seems like a normal, busy, active 9 month old. So, The Husband and I have decided to go ahead with Dr. Development, and I am feeling pretty certain at this point that she'll look at us with her eyes rolled back in her head from being so frustrated at having her time wasted and say, "Go home and enjoy your perfectly developing child and quit worrying." Now I just wait for the phone call to say, "We had a cancellation, can you come in on-" "YES! Yes, I can. Oh, I'm sorry, when was that again?"

A Boy Named Sid

My dad has affectionately nicknamed The Bear "Sid" for SID = Sensory Integration Disorder. Actually, the more accepted teminology is now Sensory Processing Disorder, to keep from SID being confused with SIDS.

We had our evaluation on Tuesday, and the occupational therapist (OT) concluded that Bear would benefit from therapy sessions. It was clear to her, based on her evaluation and our answers to her questions that he is a little sensory-seeker. Thankfully, the husband went with me, and he's been doing a great job trying to communicate and talk to me about feelings and the like. I've been saying for the last few weeks that the best news I could hear is that the OT would look at us and laugh and tell us to go home, that there were no problems here! Get outta here, crazy lady! However, when we left, and he asked how I felt, I told him that I was actually relieved that someone could see what I have been seeing, and that I felt validated and assured that I'm not crazy.

The OT, Katie, is a delightful woman. She was able to allay many of my worst fears and anxieties, and told us that she was going to do whatever she could to keep The Bear on her schedule (rather than the other OT) because he is "adorable" and we are "awesome parents". I mean, who wouldn't love her?

I asked for a recommendation for a developmental pediatrician, and received one, and have heard nothing but good things about her. I've been debating whether or not to take The Bear in, but after talking to The Husband, we're leaning toward getting an appointment. Why not, right? My bestest friend, whom I mentioned earlier, who is about to pop with her second baby, has worked with special needs kids for years. She is the most learned and educated and compassionate woman I know when it comes to kids of all shapes and sizes who have any kind of special need. She also advocates for early intervention, so I think we're going to go ahead with the developmental pediatrician.

In a fit of anxiety, brought on my a conversation with my mother, who, without actually saying it, makes it clear that she thinks I'm completely overreacting, I cried to The Husband.

Me: "What if I'm wrong, what if I'm totally overreacting and he's completely normal?"
TH: "What if you are?"
Me: "Then when he's 18 he's going to hate me for labeling him as something he wasn't and wonder what was wrong with him that we thought he had special needs and develop a complex and never be able to trust another woman all his life!"
TH: "You sweet, sweet girl. He's not going to care! Even if this is wrong, he gets to go to a cool gym and play with some rocking toys and have a blast!"
Me: "So, he won't hate me forever?"
TH: "Of course not. He'll just be glad you cared."

Awww.

Have a date!

Our occupational therapy (OT) appointment is set. So, prayers and thoughts and well-wishes are welcome that they will take a look at him and laugh us out of the office. It's Tuesday at 11:15, and my challenge is to sleep between now and then. Argh.

Man, I love that kid.

My Perfect Bear

So, off I went googling the other night, because of some quirks I noticed about The Bear, some things he needs in order to fall asleep. Little did I know that I would stumble upon a checklist that includes many of his behaviors that may indicate proprioceptive sensory issues. I'll blog later about the details, because I really need to go nap while he's sleeping, but suffice it to say that I'm absolutely terrified. I know there's nothing I can do to control the situation, but since I deal with a teeny anxiety disorder myself, not knowing and being able to predict the outcome brings out all my bad habits.

I spoke with a very helpful and knowledgeable occupational therapist yesterday, and after answering questions and discussing his behaviors for about fifteen minutes, she said that she would recommend an evaluation, just to see if there's anything there that can be helped with changes in behavior, modifications, etc. We're waiting for the occupational therapy center to call us back to set an appointment. I'm on pins and needles.

I don't know that any mom wants less for their child than to be the absolute shining star that he is. My biggest fear is that if there is something that would cause The Bear to manifest behavior that is outside the societal acceptance of normal, that people won't see how wonderful and beautiful and perfect he is. Life is hard enough, it breaks my heart to think that he may face struggles in addition to those that life will present on its own. More later, my brain is exhausted from worrying.