These Things Just Happen

Late last week, the Three Things and I made a trip to the WalMart (argh!) after picking up the H-Man from kindergarten. We walked in and I saw a table set up with a group I recognized from a few previous encounters. This is what I know about them: they sell wooden crosses and they have some organization for youth and they are Christians and they are aggressive and they REALLY want you to buy their crosses and they make LOTS of notes in a blue binder as they interact with people. So, I was predisposed to walk quickly but politely past them, not particularly interested in being harangued and noted in The Blue Binder OF DOOOOOOM!

Of course, the crowds parted as we walked by, and the three munchkins wanted to touch and see and HI HOW ARE YOU?! and I'm gritting my teeth and pulling them into the store while trying to stay polite and calm, and yes, we are the only people around. So, the whole time, I'm chatting with my guys, just visiting with them, since I had just picked up the H-Dawg and holding the little dude, since he's 13 months and too wee to walk in the parking lot, and we're just hanging and having a good time. So, playing, playing, talking, chatting and playing and ZOMG AVOIDING THE SOLICITORS!, we didn't slip the trap, and start talking to the women. They turned out to be remarkably nice and kind. There were two of them, and one in particular began complimenting me on what wonderful parenting I was doing with the boys. She remarked about how many families they see entering and exiting the store, and how loving and kind I was with the little guys. I was really taken aback, and to be completely honest, a little suspicious that they were just buttering me up to try to get me to buy or donate, but I was flattered and really touched no matter the motive.

I told her how much her words meant to me, and she said, with complete conviction and honesty, "I can just tell how much you love your kids. They are really blessed to have you." Tears sprang to my eyes and I thanked her again for her kindness and her words of encouragement and apologized for not having any cash to give to their cause, and made my way into the store. We got our cart, taking a moment to settle six hands and feet into their proper and safe positions, when I sensed a flurry of activity behind me. The second woman who had been tending the table rushed up to me, obviously making sure to catch me before I headed off, and handed me a small, simple and beautifully dark stained cross. She said, "We just wanted you to have this. Thank you so much for being such an inspiration."

You could have knocked me over with a feather. I seriously cried.

Over the last 5 days or so, since this happened, this cross that was a symbol of my attitude of avoidance and negativity being turned into a blessing has been appearing in the hands of my children at random times, almost exactly at moments when I need an uplift. Suddenly, I will have Thing 2 appear with this little cross in his hands and he'll say, "Here, Mommy. Here's your cwoss. You weft it on da couch." Or Sir H will zip by and veritably toss it at me with a "Hey, you left this on the island Mom! I know it's your special!"

So, you tell me. What is it about life that makes these things happen? Just at the right moment.

Erp.

So, Thing 2 started puking on Wednesday night. Then I started up in the middle of the night on Thursday. DPlayer apparently is Mr. Important Man At Work and hauled ass to his job and my saintly mother came and rescued poor Thing 2 from a day of television and cookie crumbs while I lay on the bathroom floor and in the bed with Thing 3, who also wanted in on the puking action. Every time this business strikes, I remember how awful it is, and then it fades into memory.

Pray that Mr. President (Thing 1) doesn't get it, he has escaped so far. Now I'm off to scour the house with bleach and since it's already spic-and-span from the ridiculous CPS overreaction I had yesterday (SO WHAT SHUT UP), it shouldn't be too difficult.

PANIC!

Baby A and I have both been feeling nasty, so we've been at the ENT a few times in the last few weeks. I've seen this ENT since I was about Thing 1's age, so 6? 7?ish, and he knows my family like the back of his hand. He has a new Physician's Assistant, and we saw her last week for the first time. I loved her! She has four kids, and was really helpful and kind and thorough. When I called this morning, they fit us in with her again, and I was actually pleased.

During the exam, she noticed a bruise on Baby A's ear of all places, and I, in my exhaustion and sickness, responded mom-to-mom, "You know, who knows. He's at that stage where he toddles and loses his balance, you know how it is! HA!" She got all quiet and weird and I think I put my foot in it, people! I feel like such an idiot, like an airplane passenger who joked about sneaking a bomb through at security. So she made this note in his chart and then got all super sleuthy and now I'm convinced that CPS is going to show at my door tonight. I called DPlayer frantically, and he got home about an hour early and he whisked the kids out the door so I can clean and purge and be manic all over the house.

I may never sleep again. PANIC! PANIC!

Oh, and, apparently, I'm blogging instead of cleaning, but I just took out three bags of trash (I didn't even know we had three bags of stuff, much less three bags to throw away!), and I'm having dinner. SO THERE.

Also? I can't believe I'm actually posting this, and going to share this, but I'm firmly committed to talking about the things that "we" don't talk about because of embarrassment and are you KIDDING me? Having a CPS report is SO one of those things. Now off to clean and wait and wonder and wait and wonder and wait....

Day 100 of Kindergarten

Apparently, there are so few holidays and celebrations and cupcakes and parties and cookies and money and fundraisers and pencils and treasure box items and Clorox wipes and box tops and receipts and Promised Land dairy caps and Capri Sun pouches that we need to collect/be aware of/donate/celebrate that we made a new one up a while back! The 100th day of school! WHEE!

They have to collect 100 things that all:

1) fit into a quart size ziploc bag (and apparently they hate my baby, because that automatically is a choking hazard for him)
2) can be gathered and NOT LOST by Feb 2nd
3) can be glued onto a white shirt...which OH BY THE WAY!...

They also need to procure a white t-shirt that is new ) and you "may want to" glue the 100 items ON the shirt because they're going to wear them to school with the items on them? But still, [b]make sure they wear their uniform pants![/b] Bolded theirs. Of course, all this "they" and "theirs" and "they're" means "you" and "yours" and "you're" because he's SIX.

To sum up:
100 things (BE CREATIVE! That sound? That was me popping open my bottle of Xanax.)
choking hazards
have to buy a new t-shirt that's thick and heavy
gluing on 100 small items on a shirt, which sounds HEAVENLY!
no one ever misplaces anything around here
uniform pants!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :nono:

Give me something awesome and creative and fun to do instead of pennies, because I can see where this is headed right now. Pennies. The night before. With lots of wine and profanity. Or just Xanax. And profanity. Always profanity.

The Longest Day

Remember how I was going to be blogging during homework time? Yeah. Well, see what had happened was? Life had come undone? And I had fallen down the rabbit hole along with it? So, the day after I posted the previous blog post, I couldn't get my laptop to boot up. I went to borrow DPlayer's laptop, and in the process of signing in, stumbled across an email from this girl. Long story short, inappropriate entanglement, not an affair, but too much investment outside the marriage, things improved a little, we coasted, then one random night, we just had this THING. And I never know where to draw the line with the oversharing, so for now, and since it's late, I'll just say that he blew up at me in front of the kids and dropped a few f-bombs. I immediately told him to leave, he refused, I got the baby and left, went to sob at my parents' house, fun times ensued.

Weeks passed, he dug in his heels, decided he was going to die on that hill, and with great sadness, we told the boys that Daddy was going to be moving into a new house and they would be visiting him there. That was awesome. I'll just step outside the story for a moment and say that seeing the look in their eyes at that moment, and seeing how they reacted to that - nothing makes you feel more like a failure at parenting than revealing to your 5 year old and 2 year old that Mommy and Daddy suck and that their firm foundation of family can fracture and break all around them. Thing 1 initially thought it was a great idea, thinking we were all going to have a second residence, Thing 2 got it immediately, and withdrew into his train table Thomas set. I kept trying to talk to him and see if he understood, and he acted like he couldn't hear anything I was saying. It was awful. And looking back, I'm feeling angry all over again that DPlayer put the onus on me to do it, and that I went ahead and did it, because he "just couldn't", and he got to sit there in suffering silence with tears while I did the Bad Guy Storytime.

Finally, after asking him lots of different ways about his feelings, I flat out asked Thing 2, "Are you feeling bad?" and he nodded, without looking away from his trains that he was making crash violently into each other. I said, "Oh, honey, so am I. I feel so bad and sad. I'm so sorry. This is very sad." He looked up, with a thunderous look on his face, and furiously said to DPlayer, "Mommy and me are sad. We feel bad!" And went back to wrecking the Island of Sodor. The effects on Thing 1 happened more over time, and as usual, manifested themselves in anxiety, a constant need to please and do everything and hoard toys and not throw anything away and always know where everyone is and what time it is and are we on time to school and did you sign my folder yet and what if A flushes my toy down the toilet and did you forget to start the washer Mom Mom MomMomMomMOMOMOMOMOMOMMMMMMMMMMMMM?!

My precious boys. I just don't deserve them.

Thankfully,I happened to have a maintenance appointment with my [s]drug pusher[/s] psychiatrist, and he was floored when he found out what was happening. He sees DPlayer for his ADD and has a separate relationship with him, and when he found out that D was moving out on the upcoming Friday, Dr. Drugs asked me to reconsider if he could come up with a plan that I felt comfortable with. I agreed, I told him that I would do anything and everything within healthy boundaries to save our relationship.

So, thanks to Dr. Drugs, we are seeing a new highly specialized and amazing psychotherapist who is highly adept. We don't see her nearly as often as we would like, due to childcare issues and DPlayer's work schedule, but the sessions with her, and our monthly sessions with Dr. Drugs have managed to extricate an actual marriage from what used to be a pile of ruins. It's hard work, but I am feeling for the first time in a very, very, very long time, as if DPlayer actually wants to be married and do what it takes to stay that way. I've missed him very much.

Because I am getting some affection and fulfillment from my marriage, I am again finding energy for things outside of simply treading water just enough to keep breathing. I no longer want to drive my car into oncoming traffic, and so, I look forward to blogging more often. No promises that I will do this every day, let's just call a spade a Danielle and realize that I am unpredictable. We will all be much happier.